


For Real

by japhanforever



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-24
Updated: 2015-10-24
Packaged: 2018-04-27 22:08:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5066254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/japhanforever/pseuds/japhanforever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan accidentally saves his Outlast video to the wrong folder and while searching for it so he could get to editing it, he stumbles upon a video Phil made that he was most definitely not meant to see.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For Real

Dan sat back down down at the computer in the office to edit his new Outlast video for spooky week. He had just gotten up to switch every single light in the flat on and triple check the lock on the front door. Spooky week felt like a really great idea until Dan remembered that Phil was going out of town for a few days, but even then it didn’t seem like it would be TOO bad until Phil actually left. He told himself he was only scared because of the IMMERSION he insisted upon for every scary game, but deep down he knew it was because he was so used to having Phil around, just knowing he was in the other room. Even when they weren’t together in the apartment, he could still hear the floorboards creak when Phil walked down the hall, or the fridge opening and closing when he was getting food, or even the occasional Buffy theme song playing through the wall at three in the morning if Phil couldn’t sleep. Point being, even when they weren’t in each others sights, he still knew Phil was there. Now, in a house completely void of Phil noises, he was painfully aware of every other noise. The was settling, bumps and thumps from the neighbors, other noises he couldn’t quite explain but that were probably demons just ready to maul his face off. It was even worse with headphones on, because anything he couldn’t hear clearly as it was muffled by game audio suddenly became an intruder or a ghost.

Now, sitting at the desk, presumably safe since his last monster hunt/ apartment safety check had come up clean, he clicked on the folder marked “d&pgames”, where he had saved the footage he had just filmed. He scrolled through all of the other files, looking for the one marked “outlast ALONE” but it was no where to be found. His heart beat quickened. He knew he saved it. Where did it go? Did it erase itself? Did a GHOST delete it? Did Samara from the Ring take over his computer to remove his footage and ruin his life? He checked his personal folder, entitled “dinof” to see if he had saved it there out of habit, but he didn’t see it there either. He exited out of the window and looked at the desk top. It wasn’t there either. His mouse hovered over Phil’s folder. He normally didn’t go into Phil’s folder unless Phil asked him for help with editing or for his opinion on something, but even then, Phil was normally standing right next to him or behind him. Going into it without Phil’s permission seemed a but invasive, but he was sure Phil wouldn’t mind if he knew the circumstances, but it also wasn’t like Phil would ever know. Dan scrolled through the folder, and there it was, right below a file entitled “oops.” Dan smiled and clicked on it assuming it was some old bloopers or something that Phil was saving for a LessAmazingPhil video.

As the video started playing, the first thing Dan realized was that it was very old. They both had older videos that they had transferred to this computer, but they were normally just videos that they were proud of and wanted to save for posterity’s sake. This however was filmed back in Phil’s old bedroom at his house. Judging by Phil’s hair, it was about 2009.

“Hi guys.” Phil said, waving at the camera. Dan smiled. Somethings never change.

“So,” Phil started, “I wanted to tell you guys about something, well someone really.” Phil paused trying to collect his thoughts. “I met… A person. And they are really cool. I’ve been talking to them a lot recently and they have become pretty important in my.. dammit.”

Phil’s phone buzzed in the background and he picked it up, looked at the text and smiled.

‘That’s them, actually.”

He typed a text back into his phone and put it down, taking a deep breathe.

“He’s going to come to Manchester soon, it was kind of up in the air, but he just texted me saying it’s for sure. I was going to uh, tell you about him now, but umm… you’ll just meet him then I guess.” Phil smiled, biting his tongue between his teeth. He then leaned forward and turned off the camera, the screen going black.

Dan was about to exit out of the window when he noticed there was still apparently ten minutes of footage left in the video. It was obvious to Dan that Phil had been talking about him, but he had never seen 2009 Phil talk about him in such an unedited way. He had never seen Phil’s face when he opened a text from him back before they met in real life, or heard Phil try to explain who Dan was or what he meant to him. It was kind of endearing, seeing Phil get so excited to hear from Dan. Things weren’t that way anymore. Obviously, they still liked to see each other, but just a text from Dan didn’t make Phil almost outright blush. The next bit of video started playing. This was later, in their old apartment. Phil looked tired in this one, sad. Dan didn’t like it.

“Hey guys, so about me and Dan. Yes, we live together, but that doesn’t mean…” Phil trailed off, and Dan heard a door close in the background.

“Phil?” he heard his own voice call down the hall.

“I’m in my room,” Phil called back looking slightly annoyed.

Dan heard himself open Phil’s door. “Just wanted to let you know I’m home. Oh, sorry, you filming?”

“Oh, uh, yeah, just nothing.” Phil answered, facing the door.

“Which video is this then?” he asked. Dan didn’t remember this day, but it was pretty standard procedure for when they got home, so it didn’t surprise him.

“I’m not really sure yet, just trying out some ideas and seeing what sticks.” Phil answered.

“Ok, well, let me know if you need any help,” Dan answered and left the room.

Phil looked back at the camera. He sighed.

“Well I didn’t want him to hear me film this.” He stood up and moved the camera closer to himself. “There now I’ll just talk more quietly.”

“Ok. Just because Dan and I live together doesn’t mean that we are _together, _you know.” Phil started off, speaking in a low voice that wasn’t quite a whisper. “Dan isn’t like that. I think it bothers him that everyone thinks that. It doesn’t really bother me all that much because….”

He trailed off again. “I’m not going to upload this,” Phil finished, a real sense of finality in his voice. “But I am going to keep talking. Just… for me, you know.”

Phil took in a deep breath and continued. “It doesn’t bother me because, in a perfect world, yes, that is the way it would be. When I met him, I thought it would be that way and I thought he wanted it to be that way, too. Maybe he did then, but he never told me that. When I asked him to move in with me, I thought maybe it would kind of start something, maybe he would realize he could see me in a different light, but so far that hasn’t been the case and I don’t think it will be. I started making this because I want Dan to be happy, and I feel like this constant speculation about the nature of our relationship makes that difficult for him. I just wanted to clear things up, but… I can’t say neither of us want that. I can’t make a video knowingly lying about something so dear to me. I can pretend all I want that we are just best buds, but I can’t actually say it out loud. I can’t actually make a whole video dedicated to that fact. But I also can’t make a whole video saying Dan doesn’t want that but I do, because, well, Dan doesn’t know. I guess I also can’t say anything because I don’t really know anything about Dan’s love life. If he’s seeing someone, he isn’t bringing them back here or telling me about them. I can’t imagine he’s not though.”

There was a light knock on Phil’s door and Phil visibly jumped. The door creaked open and Dan heard himself say, “Are you still filming?”

“No just thinking out loud.”

“Oh ok. Can you help me with something real quick then?”

Phil looked at the camera obviously disappointed to be cut off mid rant, then back to Dan. “Of course,” he said, his voice cheery. He reached up and switched the camera off.

Dan hit pause on the video. He didn’t really know what to think. Phil had always been uncomfortable about joking around with the whole relationship thing, but Dan had always assumed it was just because he didn’t like it. Dan didn’t particularly hate it then, but back in 2012 in the first apartment, he couldn’t deny that he had been very openly opposed to it. He knew that their viewers had picked up on that too, seeing gifs and such of himself from that time captioned “no homo Howell.” The truth about that was that he just wanted to be an individual at the time. He had had no idea that the moment Phil came into his life, they would be seen as a duo, forever and ever amen, and when he was younger, he really felt that he didn’t have an identity of his own. He felt 50 percent of what people saw him as was Phil. Sometimes, he wanted to be just Dan. No and.

In the years since then, Dan had come to like and even prefer being seen in conjunction with Phil. He kind of even felt guilty for how he had acted back then. And if he had only felt kind of guilty before, he felt very guilty now. He had had no idea Phil felt that way. He really should have, really. He had nearly 2 million people pointing it out to him online on a daily basis. How many gifs had he seen captioned “Phil looks at him like he is so in love :D”? He had always chalked them up to people reading too far into things because there were about twice as many gifs of him looking at Phil with similar captions, so they must just look at each other too much.

As for him not dating anyone well, for the most part, Phil was right. In the last few years, there had been a few one night stands, maybe a two or three people that he went on more than one date with, but they always broke it off. Come to think of it, two of them had said they just really didn’t feel like competing with Phil for Dan’s time. Dan had brushed it off, but now it seemed telling.

There were still 4 minutes left of the video. Dan sighed. He didn’t know if he wanted to know what kind of information the last part of the video held. The first part was making his mind race too much already. Reluctantly, he pressed play once more.

Phil. Recently. The shirt he was wearing was one he had bought only a few months ago. Dan should know, he helped pick it out.

“I think I can be happy with this,” Phil started out, dropping the ‘this is a video I am going to upload’ facade that had been present in the other two clips. “I think, as long as it’s just the two of us, I can be happy. I know that it won’t be this way forever, that he’ll settle down with someone and move out, but for now, this is good. I guess I’ve already settled down with him without him really knowing. After all, I am older. Shit, I’ll be thirty in, what, a little over two years, it only seems right that I am ready to settle.” Phil shifted on his bed, bringing his legs up to sit cross legged.

Dan held his breath, waiting for him to finish.

“I guess,” Phil paused once more, trying to get the words out. “I reckon I’m in love with him, but I’m ok with it now. I’ve loved him nearly since the day I met him, and for a long time that hurt, but I think as long as I get to have him in my life, that’s ok. I just want to have 3 hour TV breakfasts with him and to go to work with him and to go on holiday with him and to go home with him. I guess those are couple things, but we have all that without really being a couple, and that is a good thing, maybe. It’s a good thing if I tell myself it is, and I need it to be a good thing because I’ve been sad about this for too long.”

Phil laughed, standing up. “I need to delete this footage, oh my go- “

The video cut out there.

Dan breathed in for the first time in what felt like forever.

He didn’t know what to think.

When Phil described all the things he wanted, all the things they happened to already do together, it did sound very couple-y. He had never really realized that before, although he probably should have, having every couple like thing they ever did giffed, screenshotted, and plastered across the internet in every form possible. But it was the settling down thing that really struck a cord with him.  He had never really thought too much about the future, mostly because it scared him, but when he did, it was always here and it was always with Phil. Isn’t that really the premise of settling down? Finding someone and planning your future with the idea that they would always be part of it? He felt settled. He wanted all the things that Phil said he wanted.

There was just one small thing left to address in that video really, and that was the small little detail of Phil confessing his love for him. No big deal. He definitely wasn’t freaking out. And if he was freaking out it wasn’t because hearing Phil say that made him want to say it back to him. Nope. Nopeity nope nope. That wasn’t happening at all, he wash’t just struck with the crippling weight of the love he had for Phil that he was letting himself feel in full for the first time. sHe had just backed up the video and to the black screen before the beginning of the last clip to watch it again when his phone rang. Phil. Great timing of course.

“Hello?” Dan said.

“Hey, how are you?” Phil answered, cheerily.

“Nothing just filmed the spooky week video,” Dan replied, trying to sound normal.

“Oh, how was that?” Phil asked.

Dan was about to say good, but just then, computer Phil began speaking. He hadn’t fucking paused the video. He had just left it on the fucking black screen. He was an absolute fucking spoon.

“I think I can be happy with thi-“ Phil began again, but Dan cut him off by hitting the mute button.

“It was good, it was scary,” Dan said, hoping his own voice covered up Phil’s in the background.

“What was that?” Phil asked, sounding confused.

“Oh, uh, nothing. A video went off on the computer.”

“It sounded like me,” Phil speculated.

“Yeah it was, I was watching a video.” Dan answered hurriedly.

Phil was quiet for a moment. “Which one?” he asked.

“Could you hear it well? Maybe you could guess.” Dan asked, hoping not to sound suspicious while also trying to find out it Phil could actually hear it word for word.

“Yeah, I could hear it.” Phil answered flatly.

“Oh,” Dan said, now praying to God that Phil couldn’t identify it from that tiny little clip of a sentence. Although if Dan made a video like that of himself, he would probably be able to identify it from the inflection of the first word, he would be so paranoid about people finding it.

“I filmed that a few days ago,” Phil continued.

“That recently?” Dan answered, surprised.

“Yeah.”

“Phil.”

“How’d you find it?”

“Are you angry?”

“How’d you find it, Dan?”

“I accidentally saved my Outlast video to your folder. I saw a video called oops and thought it was Phil is not on fire bloopers or something. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have clicked on it.”

“It’s ok,” Phil said. It didn’t sound like it was ok. “Listen, we’ll talk about this when I get home.”

“Phil-“

“I’ll see you in a few days, Dan.”

Dan was struck with sudden fear that letting Phil stew over this for the two days til he came home wouldn’t be wise. He felt like he was going to vomit. He needed to tell Phil he wasn’t weirded out or upset, and that was what he planned on saying, but when he opened his mouth, what came out was “Phil, I love you, too.”

He could hear dead air on the other end of the line, but he knew Phil was still there.

“Phil.”

“I- I just.” Phil stuttered on the other end, cutting himself off.

“Please, say something. Don’t hate me,” Dan pleaded quietly, sensing tension in Phil’s tone.

“Dan, you know I could never.” Phil sighed. “We’ll talk when I get home.”

“Yeah, alright then.” Dan said, disappointed.

“See you soon,” Phil said and promptly hung up.

Dan set down the phone and stared at the computer screen. He exited out of Phil’s video and set up the Outlast video for editing. Only he couldn’t focus. He didn’t want to wait until Phil got home. Knowing himself, he would be counting the minutes until Phil walked through that door. He wished he could hit fast forward like he could in the Sims, but unfortunately, this was real life.

He wasn’t scared that Phil wouldn’t reciprocate, even though he had outright proof he would. He hadn’t known that how he really felt himself until only moments before. Or he had, but he had always attributed it to best friendship. Phil was his first best friend, he thought this is what that felt like. Overwhelming, all encompassing love for someone, putting them in front of everything else and wanting to spend all your time with him. Apparently, the other explanation for that was you’re in love with him, you fucking idiot.

He was scared that Phil wouldn’t trust him anymore. Anxiety was taking over his brain, telling him that Phil would come home having decided that he doesn’t want to live with someone he couldn’t trust. He knew that wasn’t realistic, but he was scared all the same.

Editing the video was like wading through mud. It took him twice as long as normal. He found himself checking his phone for texts and then checking all of Phil’s social media for new posts about every ten minutes. Then, when his focus was at his most broken, he found himself browsing tumblr tags, researching his own relationship with his own best friend, looking for things the viewers had caught that he hadn’t. The more he thought about it, the more it made sense. He just hoped Phil still thought the same way.

He didn’t want to think anymore. He went into the kitchen and took two chewable melatonin tablets, and in the twenty minutes they took to kick in, he took a shower and got into his sleep clothes. He lie down in bed, forcing any and all thoughts from his head, falling into a deep but unrestful sleep.

///

Dan woke for a moment at 10 am, but quickly turned over and went back to sleep. He figured the more hours he slept, the fewer he had to wait consciously waiting for Phil to walk through that door.

///

He woke abruptly. He thought he heard the door slam. His heart raced. Someone had broken in. He lie in bed holding onto the covers, unsure of whether he should venture out into the apartment, or stay where he was, undetected and safe. He heard rummaging in the lounge. He wasn’t about to let himself get robbed blind while he was in the house, he decided. He climbed to a part of the bed where he knew the floor boards wouldn’t creak beneath him when he stepped off. He looked around the room for a weapon of sorts, but came up short, so he just grabbed his belt of the floor. Worst comes to worse, he’d swing at the intruder’s head with the buckle. He opened the door quietly and snuck into the hall. He walked with his back to the wall, sidestepping his way to the lounge. He leaned into the doorway ever so slightly to peek in and get a good idea of what he was about to come face to face with.

He was met with something he never imagined to find. The belt dropped from his hand, the buckle clattering on the floor. Phil, who was sitting on the sofa, browsing the internet, looked up at Dan standing in the doorway, shocked.

“You’re home,” Dan stated, confused. How long had he slept.

“You’re awake,” Phil answered, not offering an explanation.

“I thought you weren’t coming back until-“ Dan started, but Phil cut him off.

“There were more important things to sort through here,” Phil stated, matter-of-factly.

“Right,” Dan answered, a bit dazed. He stood in the doorway still, studying Phil, unsure of what to say next.

“I’m not upset,” Phil started. Dan breathed a sigh of relief. “It was an accident, you finding it. If I really didn’t want you to, I shouldn’t have saved it on the desk top.”

Dan nodded in agreement, still at a loss for words.

“Part of me even thinks maybe I wanted you to find it eventually,” Phil added, quietly. “I’ve wanted to tell you for five years now, Dan. I guess you would have found out some how or another. At least it was from me. Technically.” Phil gave a weak smile.

“Phil-“

“Wait.” Phil interrupted. “I know you said you.. you felt the same way on the phone. I don’t want you to say that because you feel as though you have to. I don’t want you to say it because you feel guilty or sorry for me. I understand if you don’t. I don’t need anything more than we already have. I explained that in the video. I am ok with this. Things the way they are.”

Dan looked at Phil expectantly, waiting for more rambling. When he was met with silence, he asked, “Can I talk now?”

Phil nodded.

“It isn’t because I feel bad for you. It isn’t because I feel like I have to. It’s because I wanted to say it, you twat. Hearing you talk about it,” Dan paused, trying to figure out what he wanted to say. “Hearing you describe what you want, out of all of this, made me realize that’s what I want, too. You said I would settle down with someone eventually even though you’ve already settled down with me. I thought it was pretty clear I was already settled here with you but if you need to hear me say that, here’s me saying it.”

“Dan, just because you want to settle here doesn’t mean you lov-“

“Stop. If I don’t love you, how come I haven’t been able to be with someone for a long amount of time because you are always my first priority? How come the thought of you being alone, or worse, being with someone else makes me sick? I thought that was how you were supposed to feel about your best friend. How was I supposed to know any different? I thought I was just jealous and possessive for a moment, but then I realized I’m fucking stupid. That isn’t how you feel about a friend. That’s how you feel about the person you love. Phil, if I’m not in love with you, why are you the only person I feel I really need in my life? Why are you the only person that I want to see first thing in the morning and the last person I think of going to bed, and on top of that, nearly the only person I think of in all the moments in between those times? Explain what that is if it isn’t love.” Dan moved into the lounge and sat on the floor in front of where Phil was sat on the couch. He waited for Phil to speak.

Phil opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again.

“I just.. I don’t understand,” he finally managed. “After hoping for this for so long, I can’t believe this is really real.”

“Well, start believing it,” Dan said, rising to his knees while simultaneously moving closer to Phil. He took Phil’s hand in one of his own, squeezing it, and brought his other hand up to Phil’s cheek. Phil’s breath hitched at his touch. He leaned in slowly, eyes closed. He could feel Phil lean in hesitantly to meet him. Their mouth met in an innocent kiss, but Dan’s heart had never responded to anything more quickly. He felt as though his heart was going to pound out of his chest.

Phil pulled away, looking mildly shocked.

“You love me,” he murmured, meaning it to be a statement, but it sounded more like a question.

“I really do,” Dan answered, smiling.

“I love you,” Phil breathed, his voice strained with emotion.

“Good,” Dan answered before pulling him back in for another kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first Phan fan fic I ever wrote, so if it's a bit not fantastic that is why. This was originally written in June 2015 and posted on my tumblr (same name as here). ALSO I love pining and getting together and fluff more than smut so you may notice that is a THEME throughout my works.
> 
> and hopefully this goes without saying, but this is a work of fiction and in no way ever happened, and while the characters are based on real people, they do not express the thoughts and feelings of those people etc etc.


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